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Spread-eagled across America: Vaginal Davis on tour with Margaret Cho

Monday August 27, 2001 - Picked up dress from Sue Chon at Crown Cleaners and Tailor. Sue is the sweet Korean dressmaker that my costume designer Suzette Mathelson uses for her film assignments. I'm really fortunate that Suzette is taking some time off from doing hectic movie work, and wanted to donate her precious talent to designing me a special gown for the Notorious C.H.O. tour. The dress is unbelievable. In keeping with this being a North American tour I'll be Lil Miss Patriotika in Red White and Blue satin azzure plus under the dress I'll be featuring an American Flag sequin and pearl thong. With this outfit I'm bound to pick up a nationalistic marine or 4 star 3 pronged general. Hey, I'll even settle for a Lt. Col.

Wed August 29, 2001- Limo arrives early to whisk me to LAX. I’m so stoked to be going on this tour, plus its my first time visiting Miami, Orlando and New Orleans. Luckily flight is pretty empty and I have plenty of leg room. Land in Miami around 9pm. Another limo picks me up to take me to the Tides Hotel on Ocean Drive in South Beach. My hotel I think is the same one that Rae Kawakuba of Comme Des Garcon couldn't stay at because it was too white. That Rae is a talented designer but she's nutters. Next door to the hotel is the Versace villa where you know what happened. I hope the incubus sucubus ghosts of Gianni or Andrew doesn't try any funny business with me late at nite when I'm spread eagle on the bed in my room. I knew Miami was humid but I wasn't expecting my glasses to steam up. Unpack and decide to checkout the nitelife. Go to this gay club called Twist. The inverts in this town are a bit on the prissy side. A lot of them look kind of like younger versions of Don Johnson from the 80s series Miami Vice. But without any irony. For some reason I feel like I'm in a piss elegant version of Long Beach, California. Some of the dangerous looking latino trade openly selling drugs look more like my cup of Pingnon Tea. I've seen a few surly Ricans and Dominicans whose foreskin I'd love to pull over my face.

Thursday August 30, 2001-Woke up early checked emails. Decided I'd check out the gay beach which is across the street from my hotel. The sand is semen white, the water is heroin greenish blue and warm like a sauna. I almost wish I could swim. Almost. Some funny looking squat Negro chatted me up. He had these odd hair extensions that were like three ill hairdos in one. Part spiky, part long spiral pubic hair, and part tweed. There is nothing worse than a black hair queen.

I guess no one works in Miami, on a Thursday the beach was filled with Lots of showoffs parading themselves and their cockringed packages, and I don’t know why I was surprised to see a gaggle of steroid & AZT enhanced Mrs. AIDS ladies working their orange ruffie/purple haze tans and turtle shell camel humps. The new mantra to chant is: "Look at my sexy pancake ass!" The heat and humidity was just too much for me, though humidity is good for my oily skin,so I retired to the confines of my airconditioned hotel room until its time for the Limo to pick me up and take me to soundcheck at the Jackie Gleason Theatre. Its the first show of the tour and of course I'm nervous. I'm not use to performing at such big venues. The largest event I've ever done was Wigstock in 1998, and that was about 35,000 people. The first show of the tour goes really well. Margaret has some great people that work for her, starting off with her personal mgr Karen, who is the most organized person I've ever met. I've got to start patterning my life after her. Karen keeps things running smoothly so that Margaret can relax and shine. Margaret's cute assistant Mayra is also a cutiesweetie and I'm feeling like we've been homegirlz for a long time. The tour Mgr John Hogan is a heshen skater thrasher dude who looks around 28 years old but I was surprised to find out he's 38. I'm going to have to introduce him to my friend Patty Powers when we do New York. Patty would love to get her nympho hooks on him.

Bill Silva of Silva Touring Company produces Margaret's Tour. Bill is sexy and virile, but also shy and softspoken and very cuddly. He handles all the big rock events for groups like Metallica and even Dr. Dre, Eminem and Snoop Dogg. Its so nice being around bigtime showbiz people who are laid back and not frantic. Margaret is such a huge star. Her fans adore her. She gives off so much scintillating energy on stage and off. She is a true professional. She never gets nervous--. She just goes out there and wows the crowd. I wish I had Margarets beauty, grace and poise and talk about stage confidence. I've been performing since I was a teenager but everytime I get on stage its like I'm doing it for the first time.

Backstage got to meet the first lady of Miami, Gloria Estevan. She's tiny like Madonna but much prettier and softer in person unlike Mighty Mo who is as hard as they come. Mo's best friend Rosie O'Donnell also came backstage. She has a louder voice than me, and wasn't shy in telling me she hated my performance. I wasn't offended, I actually like to be hated. Went to afterparty at this hipster restaurant bar called Tumi. Quite a scene. Shmoozed with Lenny Kravitz, Sade and Bruce La Bruce's fashion photog friend Terry Richardson. Ate a nice steak dinner and decided to call it a night so I'd be fresh for tomorrow's show in Orlando Florida.

Friday Aug 30, 2001 - Took tiny stuffy plane to Orlando. I was really scared especially with the Aaliyah crash fresh on my mind. One of my Club Sucker regulars Doug died on that fatal crash. Doug worked for Virgin Records supervising video shoots. My sucker partner Dale Johnson got him the position. Doug use to go out with my skinhead doorman Eddie and also John Roecker(Exene's partner with the store You've Got Bad Taste and doll hair implant man). Orlando is a strange pre-fabricated city. Its main purpose is tourism. We're staying at the Portofino Bay Hotel. The hotel itself is like a theme park. I hate theme parks.

We're performing at the Hard Rock Live. The staff is really attentive to our needs. The show goes well and I sell more merchandise then in Miami. I didn't realize that at such big venues that the house takes a percentage of your merchandise sales.

Saturday Sept 1, 2001 - Last stop on the first leg of the tour is New Orleans. Its Southern Decadence Week, which is like an all gay version of Mardi Gras. We're staying at the beautiful Windor Court Hotel and I have a huge suite with a grand view of downtown. The humidity is still bothering me, but the gorgicity of my surroundings make it all worth while. Southern Decadence is responsible for that tired gender fuckt drag look---you know ill fitting thrift store dress, make-up and a beard. Lisa Cohen my talented and serene South African artist friend from the early 80s comes to see me. She is one hot babe, and my tour mgr is all horndoggy for her. I'm finally getting a little more comfortable with the largesse of the venues we're performing in. I also get a chance to go out into the audience and see Margaret like the audience sees her. It takes me so long to shower and remove make-up that I have been missing 20-30 minutes of her act. One day on this tour I'll get to see everything. Her facial expressions and body language are so hysterically funny. She's destined to conquer the world with her fierceness and spot on social commentary. She’s absolutely fearless . After the show we ride in the limo to Bourbon Street where Margaret makes an appearance at a niteclub. There is a little afterparty and we hang with some local celebutants. Next door is a the famous Marie Leveau VooDoo shop and I encourage Margaret to buy a Louis Armstrong VooDoo Doll for her boyfriend. We check out Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction fame DJ-ing at this club for a while then decide to call it a night. I didn't even get a chance to sample a benois donut or the hickory coffee. Oh welp maybe next time

Tuesday, September 11, 2001- Took bus downtown to have breakfast. Its around 8am and all these office workers are standing outside of their buildings gabbing on cell phones. It seems like the security guards aren't letting them in the building. I have an earrie feeling something has happened, but I don't know what. The other day there was a rather strong earthquake, so maybe there was another one or a rolling blackout. I have breakfast and as I'm paying the cashier tells me that terrorists have crashed an airplane into the United Nations Building. I had an odd feeling that something was amiss the minute i woke up at 5am. When I leave the restaurant all of downtown is in a panic and traffic is backed up. I take the subway home and turn on my broken TV. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Today it decides to work and I see an image of one of the World Trade Center Towers on fire. It doesn't look like a plane hit it at all. It reminded me of when the 1st Interstate Building, LA's tallest at one time caught on fire. All I kept thinking about was that the cashier got her New York buildings wrong. As I'm watching the newscast I see a plane actually go into the other tower and disapear. A few years ago i I did a lecture at NYU and they put me up in this tiny hotel in the Financial District and I remember feeling uncomfortable staying so close to the twin towers. It was a few years after the first terrorist attack in 1993. I also didn't like taking the path train into Jersey from the World Trade Center Station. I guess my armegeddonist instincts have finally come to fruition.

Saturday Sept 15, 2001-Tonight is hometown show at Uni Amphitheatre. I really thought the tour was going to be cancelled. Since I'm an artist who lives way below the poverty level getting steady work for several months on a long tour was a godsend. Now all that is up in the air I gather. Next week we were supposed to do New York and Philly. Both shows are postponed. Karen, Margaret's mgr informs me that the Hammerstein Ballroom people want her to still come out. I guess Mayor Guilliano wants things to go back to normal, but its probably a little early for that. If I didn't feel comfortable getting on a plane before all this happened I certainly don't feel comfortable now. Karen says that maybe we'll continue the tour on a bus or winnebego. In LA the crowd seems anxious to be entertained again. Everyone seems to be tired of being glued to CNN and other newstations. I hardly watch the news because most news is far from it---to me its all entertainment journalism if you can even use the word journalism. Plus my TV is very tempermental.

With patriotic fervor in full stomp my red white and blue dress and flag thong is a big hit. Little do they know the concept of my outfit was conceived a month ago before all this happened. I guess now there is going to be a world war. I'm too old to be drafted but perhaps I can inlist as a WACC, WAVE or USO girl and entertain the young troops. Perhaps the Marines need an official concubine. I'm more than willing to give of myself to our fighting boys on the front lines.

Friday, September 28, 2001- Limo picks me up at 5:30 for 2nd leg of tour. We're off for Denver, Colorado and then two shows in San Francisco. I'm so glad we're flying out of Burbank instead of LAX -- I'm not quite ready for LAX yet. We breeze through the security checkpoints and I'm sitting waiting for plane. I take a Xanax and it immediately kicks in. I feel like I don't have a worry in the world. The short flight to Denver is uneventful. We’re staying at the Hotel Monaco in Denver in the downtown section. The Paramount Theatre where we're performing is just around the corner. I pick a very young cute 20 year old boy out of the audience. When he realizes what is going to take place he tries to run away which is hysterical. He's very provincial which I like. I'm still feeling the affects of the Xanax so I'm beyond cool, calm and collected. After show there is a little after party in the theatre's foyer. I sign autographs and chit chat with fans. Some rock n roll chicks who are friends with Patty Powers invite me and tour mgr John Hogan to some after after parties, but all I want to do is get back to the hotel and conk out.

Saturday Sept 29, 2001-Arrive in San Francisco. We're staying at the Clift Hotel on Geary Street. Its one of those Ian Schrager fancy designer trendoid hotels. My room is glorious with a lush view of the city. I order a quick lunch and decide to do a little sight seeing. I haven't performed in San Fran since 1997. Its one of those on a clear day you can see forever postcard perfect afternoons. Not a cloud near or far. I walk down Market Street to Castro and check out the homos. I don't even recognize the city anymore. Its so post I stop off in a little café and order a chocolate cake and juice and watch the parade of tired Fulsom Street Ready Fagulas primp and preen. I pick up a copy of the San Francisco Bay Guardian where I was interviewed by Johnny Ray Huston. I get back to the hotel in time for soundcheck. I'm performing at the lovely Davies Symphony Hall. Very high class. Cherry Jefferson my former Afro Sister and her french aristrocratic girlfriend Ghislain de la Falaise work on my hair and make-up. I'm looking beyond flawless. For the first show I pick a boy who is an actual virgin out of the audience. He's delightful--the perfect sacrificial lamb. The Xanax I’ve been taking is making me too and there are plenty of well wishers backstage. Doug Gordon, the art director of Keyboard magazine tells me that I shouldn't do drugs when I perform because it throws my timing off. My rebellious nature wants to take drugs everytime I perform just to spite his criticism. Cute Luis from Pansy Division brings his adorable little nelly beau to meet me. They are an odd couple---who fucks whom? I guess its one of those male lesbian relationships where they just bump pussies. San Fran is high on that. I also meet SFBG's Johnny Ray's hustler looking boyfriend who is some kind of Dennis Cooperesque writer, It's great seeing Larry Bob (looking quite dapper) & Nicky Giovanni, and Adam Garcia of Timonium who is so precious I want to devour his beauty with kisses and slurps. God could I be more in love? It would have been nice to have gotten laid. But you know that never happens to me in San Fran.

Thursday, Oct 4, 2001-Stretch limo pulls up to take me and Margaret to our show in Santa Barbara Streisand. Margaret brings her dog Rafe pronounced like the actor Ralph Feinnes. Long car rides are much nicer in a limo. Show goes well and I even get an admirer backstage who has a giant thickerous 10 ½ inch penis. The boy is a UC Santa Barbara student and he's just my type. Of course I can't resist chug-a-lugging on his mighty hoster. Its one of those penis' that can open clams. Margaret's beau Nick and his heshen friend come to my dressing room to say "Hi" and catches me in mid gulp.. Of course I'm not embarrased to be caught performing hot buttered felatio. I like Nick. He has that great British sense of humour that really makes me laugh. Nick is the personal manager to some comedian I've never heard of, named Emo Phillips.

Friday, Oct 5, 2001-Back at Burbank Airport on our way to Las Vegas. I’ve never been to Las Vegas before. The flight is bumpy and I wish I had taken some Xanax but I'm going to try to save the few I have for my cross country flights out of LAX when I'll really need them. We're staying at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino which is off of the main strip. The service isn’t very good at the Hard Rock. Our rooms aren't even ready. Which is odd because the town is pretty empty. Something tells me I'm not going to like Vegas. Our shows are at this place called The Joint. One of the showrooms in the Hardrock. There is some lame circuit party after Margaret's last show, so the hotel pool area is filled with muscle faggots and their lot. I walk around the casino area and its pretty boring. I can't figure out how to play the slot machines which are some dumb card games. I find one that takes quarters and I put a quarter in and to my surprise I win $80. That should make me feel good, but strangely it doesn't. Las Vegas is just too evil. I knew it would be tacky, but I didn't realize it would be so creepy. I guess I'm just too snobby for Las Vegas. I've never been about middle America. Soundcheck is a nitemare. The staff don't have anything ready and so I have to pull a nigger diva fit. Which does get their attention. The actual shows go really well and my early bitch rant has everyone trying to please me---which is the way it should be. I'm not much for democracy. The world should be all about pleasing and keeping "The Doll" satisfied and content. Just give "The Doll" whatever she needs and be quick about it. Had a nice dinner at this retro steak restaurant at the bottom of the Hard Rock then I went to the circuit party to cruise for a date. It didn't take me 15 minutes before I hooked up with this dorky doctor and his 20 year old frat rat looking lover. I was really into the boy. He had a great sweet smell and a huge bubble butt.. The doctor was way into me---I guess he had a "jubilee" fetish. I go back to their room and commense to suck the big titties of the boy and then I plow him two times. The doctor wants me as Lucky Pierre, but I'm not featuring that. Of course the quack doctor keeps trying, at least I can give him an A for effort. He just doesn't get it that "No means No", especially when you're trying to poke me without a condominum. So the doctor plows his boyfriend a couple of times while I watch them go at it, then they both suck on my fat titties until I shoot another kaopectate. I would have never thought I'd be getting "mines" in Viva Las Vegas. I leave their room about 6:30 and I have to wake up at 8am to catch a flight back to LA. Oh how I wish Vegas was like it was during the days of the Rat Pack. Sammy, Frank, Peter Lawford, Dino and Joey Bishop.

Friday,October 12, 2001-Kansas City, Kansas City here I come. They got some corn fed bubble butt boys there and I hope to gets me one, so sang the refrain. Love huge set of rooms at the Embassy Suites Hotel that even comes with a juicy kitchenette. Margaret did the Rosie O'Donnel show yesterday and she tells me that Rosie is obsessed with me. I thought she hated my guts, but actually Margaret says she'd like me to be her protégé. I guess that would make me Apollonia to her Prince Nelson Rogers. Margaret also says that Rosie told her that Gloria Estevan can't stop talking about me either. Well Rosie is coming to our New York shows next week and if she still feels strongly about turning me into a comedienne well, she can adopt me. Now that my mother is dead I need a new momma. But I don't want to live on Long Island. The crowd in Kansas City is wild and wholly. I love the midwest, people really want to have a good time there. Well there ain't much else to do, so when somone hot comes into town everybody jumps on it. We're playing at the majestic deco theatre Loew's Midland a former movie palace built in 1926 by architect Thomas W. Lamb. The amazing place holds 2800 and the sound system and acoustics are perfect. . . .to surround the patron with illusion. . .to swaddle him in glamour and hypnotize him with luxury. That sums it up nicely.

My bad knee problem wasn't helping me plus the flight from LA to Kansas City seemed to go on forever though it was only about 3 hours. After the show I scarfed down a combination platter of Gates Bar-B-Q. Kansas City is known for its Bar-b-q and honey it delivered. Next morning I had the complimentary breakfast and then we were off for an hour flight to last show on this week's trek in Meet Me In St. Louis. The last time I was in St. Louis the entire city was underwater due to flooding and it was very scary.

Saturday, Sept 13, 2001-We took off for St. Louis and pilot says that it will be light rain there. Well he was wrong it was a knock out dragout storm and we barely landed. I was so scared, holding on to my tour mgr J.Ho, my new name for John Hogan. The landing really gave me a schock corridor so I wasn't really able to enjoy the fancy Ritz Carleton Hotel Room. Actually the Ritz Carleton in St. Louis is a bit piss elegant, but very comfy. We're not exactly in downtown St. Louis but in a tony suburb right next door. The show is at the Pageant which looks like a big Hall pretty non-descript. Lots of big punk bands play here when coming to town. Margaret really rocked! Poor sweetie she wasn't feeling well having gotten sick from yesterdays Bar-B-Que.She didn't eat hers hot like me, But ate it for breakfast the next morning and you can't let pork sit overnight. On the way home from St. Louis to Phoenix lots of turbulence that was driving me crazy. I should have taken a Xanax but I wanted to save them for next week. Taking off from Phoenix to LA we blew a tire and could have almost been killed landing in LAX just like that Concord accident. Boy was I freaked, and we're not even halfway through the tour yet. Yikes.

Wednesday, October 17, 2001 - Took Xanax for long crosscountry ride to Philly. Staying downtown at the lovely Four Seasons. Show isn't till tomorrow nite so i have time to check out the city. Philly is a very salt n pepper town. Lots of dusky black folks and high Mainland snow with some poor and unloved whites thrown in for good measure. I decided to check out this club called Woody's. Hung outside just to see what kind of crowd goes in. Before i could venture past the threshold a cute, tragic mulatto gives me the hairyeyeball, and I'm whisked down the road to his large hotel suite at the Ritz Carleton. I know he looks familiar and he turns out to be soap opera studkin She-Marr Moore who is always grinning without a shirt on in those Alaye' black male calendars. The brother man has a fierce body, all chiseled and rock hard with jubilee genitalia. Like i thought, he only wants to be worshipped. Lucky for him i'm in a religious mood. I spend a lot of time sucking his perfect titty cavity and slurping on his malt liquor canned thrombone. I also do some serious puppy chowing on that high tang rump of his. After i get him off three times he just rolls over and falls asleep and i let myself out and walk back to my hotel.

Thursday Oct 19, 2001 - Woke early and had breaky in the gay area at a cute little coffee shop on 12th Street. Cruised around Broad Street where there are a lot of post grunge art schools and artsy fartsycan art student boys with goatees. No one is trying to make "The Doll" so I then decided to do some tourista sight seeing. Did the Rocky Balboa on the steps of the Museum of Modern Art and sang Elton John's Philadelphia Freedom at the top of my lungs. Its a perfect autumn day. Limo picks me up for soundcheck around 4:30. We are playing at the Keswick Theatre an old vaudville house in the suburbs and it takes forever to get there. The staff is friendly and helpful and Donna the backstage mistress even cooks us a delicious meal with yummy cookies and cake. Wow! Calvin Klein comes to see the show. Boy is he ever one super olde queen-its like Halston risen from the dead. I'm sure his next perfume campaign will feature shrimping. I can picture the commercial. Splash some CK1 between your toes . . .

Friday Oct 20, 2001 - Took tiny plane to Washington DC. Thank god its a clear day. I should have taken some Xanax, but i decide to rough it out. Sat across a black lady who was going through the same angxioty as me. Traveling with us on this leg of the tour is Scott a dimunitive Jewish boy who has a Tom Cruisy build. He's very sweet and use to handle accounting chores for Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam.

I'm afraid we really picked a bad time to be coming to DC. The weather is great, unseasonably warm, but Washington has become the city of Anthrax. We're staying at the George Hotel across from the Capital Building. Our show is at the Warner Theatre a stately movie palace from 1924. J.Ho picks me two sweet victims from the audience. I fall in love with second one name Charles from suburban Baltimore. He is just adorable with his wire rim glasses. After the show i take a taxi to Dupont Circle but its not my night to score.

Saturday Oct 20, 2001-Indian Summer in Boston. We are living fancy at the Boston Harbor Hotel right on the wharf. My view of the Harbour is exquisite. The show is at the bodacious Wang Center which is like Bean Town's Radio City Music Hall. Its really gigantic. Nice cavernous dressing rooms as well. Greg Der Ananian comes backstage with his girlfriend. Greg is the sexy and cuddly kid responsible for bringing me out to the University of Indiana in Bloomington a few years back as a visiting artist. Greg is so goodlooking I want to snatch all those tired piercings off of him--especially the cow ring in his nose, give him a decent haircut and put him in some Dickies or other style workclothes. He'd look good doing a cholo look with his dark Iranian features. He's a little too young and not hairy or big enough to be considered a bear, he's more of an otter. He's a very good musician as most kids schooled in punk rock are, I'll never forget when he was my pick-up guitarist in Indiana and I wanted him to play Haute Sexy D and he turned his nose up and told me that he doesn't do guitar solos. Only the very young can get away with being that arrogant----it was hilarious. Adam Flaherty and his older sister also came to see me. Adam is beyond gorgeous---he's a bona fide hunk. He's only 18 and is going to leave a string of broken hearts a flutter.

Ryan Landry that Boston and P-town theatre queen rode back to the hotel with us in the limo. Margaret knows everybody---13 degrees of seperation. Ryan was living in LA for awhile, but he doesn't have a following in Miss Los Ang and the west coast doesn't exactly open its hearts to newcomers especially since there are a million theatre companies all slugging it out. He had contacted me sometime ago wanting me to be in one of his productions, but I'm not exactly an ensemble player and I hate traditional theatre. I think I recommended he contact some of the Plush Life queens. They are more into that kind of stuff. I had never heard of him before and Lady Bunny gave me the T. She doesn't care for him, its funny that he used her as a reference in trying to woo me to be in his show.

I didn't want to call it a night so I took taxi to the Eagle which was crowded with hot men. I just wanted a quickie that I could use as a sedative since we were going to have to be up early in the morn to catch our plane to NYC. The first guy who approached me was very complimentary. He said I was really hot and that he wanted to service me. He said he was Puerto Rican but he looked kind of white to me. I was a little weary of him, he was hairdresser and all, but I didn't have time to be picky. Of course I should have followed my initial instincts. He turned out to be a drug mess. He turned my hotel room into a chemistry lab as he was concocting his crack cocaine or freebase or whatever drug he was creating in the hopes of turning himself into a sex pig. Of course naïve me is waiting on the bed watching PBS's Nova. 2 hours go by and he still hasn't gotten piggy so I kick the fool out with his baking soda and aluminum foil. Please remind me to not let my goddess Bunny desperality get the better of me again.

Sunday, Oct 21, 2001 - New York City and the lovely Ian Schrager Royalton on 44th and 6th right across the street from the famous Algonquin. The Royalton is so chic it doesn't even have its name on the outside. We have lunch and our waiter is a cute little kid with a jewfro. He's actually coming to the show 2nite with his mother. I could tell by his gay accent that he was from Sherman Oaks. I love my room at the Royalton-very sleek and homo moderne. Patty Powers is going to be on stage with me as my assistant. I bought her a patriotic brazilian cut bikini ensemble. She looks good in it and she does our makeup so that we're twinnies. Its a big crowd pleaser at the Hammerstein Ballroom. All of New York comes out to see the show and say hi backstage. Steve LaFreniere of Index Magazine, Bob Nickas of Art Forum, John Sanchez of Paper Magazine, Les Simpson of Time Out New York, actresses Clare Danes, Molly Shannon the list is endless. I'm feeling horndoggy after the show so I go to The Cock and pick up this rich stock broker and go back to his place where I turn into mack daddy mama and start plowing him. Of course he has a mud slide which ruins the sex buzz I'm on. This week just wasn't working for me. On the plane ride home I forget my Xanax in my checked on luggage, but luckily this black lady sitting next to me gives me an Adavan which is similar to Xanax but with less of an aftertaste.

Friday, Nov 2, 2001- Alb, New Mexico is a cute little city. It reminds me of the LA suburb of La Habra. Since we are the only game in town our show at the Popejoy Theatre at the University of New Mexico is sold out. The streets in the town empty early around 6pm. We're staying at the Hyatt and the man known as Janet Reno is also a celebrity guest at the hotel. I run into him in the elevator on the way down for soundcheck and all i can say is that he's in needs of a shave. I wonder what would 5'oclock shadows say if they could talk. Later i find out that Mr. Reno is the featured guest speaker at some wo-Man's convention. I guess he's going to run for Governer of whatever state he originally oozed from back during the primordial vistage of time.

Saturday, Nov 3, 2001-We arrive at the Ritz Carleton in Phoenix to utter pandamonium. I guess its the national basketball or football championship pennant race and the New York Yankees are all camped out at the hotel. Derek Jeter that hot octaroon who use to date dirty Mariah Carey, pinches my ass when i pass in the lobby he walking hand in hand with the equally cute hornpig Jorge Posada. JHo my tour mgr tells me that they are baseball players and its the World Series. Police and muscle headed security guards are everywhere. Even NYC Mayor Guiliani is here. His room is right down the hall from mine. I'm afraid if i bump into him he'll want to borrow a wig. Those crossdressers are a nutters bunch to be sure. The show at the Celebrity Theatre is sensational. Its a theatre in the round and i didn't even feel the stage turning. After the show i go bar hopping with Bob Judd we go to a dozen dull drinking holes and at one latin club i pick up a little juicy slice of salsa and go to his place where i chow down on his perfect little tush. He's a little to much of a bossy bottom for my taste and when i tell him he's selfish in bed, he gets all worked up and dramatic. What a Tony Lou Cha-Cha. Give a girl a break. He was cute but i wasn't in any mood to cater to him so i take a taxi back to my hotel for some much needed red eye. Looking forward to next weeks travels to Columbus Ohio, Motown and Chieta!

Wed Nov 7, 2001-A day early in Columbus, Ohio. Too bad we are staying in the icky suburb of Worthington which is far from the city. From the window of my Sheraton suite i can see the IMAX theatre and some scrappy mall. Take taxi into town which costs $30 bucks, but i can't help it, I'm horndoggy. Go to this bar called The Eagle and pick up a boy who looks sortof like Stuart Sweezey of Amok Books. I really wasn't that interested in him, but when he said he had a car he became more attractive, just so i could have a ride back to the hotel. He turned into a nice little butch bottom. Not anything especially great, but not mediocre either, At least he didn't have a mud slide.

Thursday Nov 8, 2001- My poor trick lets calls him Algernon, didn't get any sleep with my snoring. I must have that sleeping disorder called Sleep Apnea where during the course of the night you stop breathing. Sometimes my snoring is so loud i wake myself and the dead. Had breaky with the boy and sent him on his merry way.

Show 2nite at The Meshon Auditorium is part of the University of Ohio. Lots of cute young high snow boys. Just my types. Thank god we're only doing one performance 2nite. Two in a row is very draining. Decide after show to stay in town and have Margaret's assistant Mayra take my stuff back to the hotel. I cruise the campus t-rooms and hit the jackpot at the men's gym. I must have sucked 30 giant penises, all gorgeous to the taste touch and smell. Each boy was a jock, very athletic looking and horny with fresh popcorn smelling bushes. I'm wearing a leather jacket, a hat and scarf, but all these boys are in short sleeve shirts. I guess their young big dicks and muscles keep them warm. Every kid i run into is a born again Christian. I like that. Born again dick is very tasty. When someone is having guilt sex, its always the hottest form of fornication. After draining all the male coeds of their sperm count, i take a taxi downtown to hit the gay bars. My taxi driver is also a Born Again and a Sacret Harp gospel singer. We have a great time singing Carter Family tunes, and olde favorites like "Rock o My Soul in the Bosum of Abraham" and "Dip Your Finger in the Water Come and Cool My Tongue Cuz I'm Tormented in the Flame" I actually enjoy spending time singing with the 60 year old cabdriver more than going to the gay bars. He says he'll wait for me while i check them out which is way cool, I'm able to cover a lot of ground that way. He takes me to this other bar called Patricks Eagle. Two bars in one town called the Eagle. It looks like someone's natty house from the outside. Next door is a soulfood place. Its a real duddy leather bar with probably five queens all calling each other Mary or Louise. I decide to call it a night, return to my hotel and get a good nite sleep.

Friday Nov 9, 2001- My glorious return to Chicago. Thank god we are staying at the House of Blues Hotel which is less than a block from the gorgeous Chicago Theatre. We are also only doing one show. I haven't been to Chicago in 3 years. The show is sold old with a crowd of 3000 plus. Ears Freitas and Joanna of Homocore Chicago come to see me. After the show we catch the Pharcyde who are performing at House of Blues. We hang out with them for a bit then hit Halstead for some homo action. Ears takes me to some funny little hustler bar with tiny puds on stage dancing extremely badly with some beat up looking tranny cocktail waitresses. I actually have a good time with Ears, though he is a bit high maintenance, and demands a lot of attention. He takes me to this other twinky bar where guys get up on stage and take a shower for cash. Two boys were competing. A piece of yummy snow and a juicy jubilee with an amazing body. The jubas won. Lucky for him. We ended the evening at a tired leather bar that was having a rubber nite. Met a sweet oreo cookie boy doing some Mrs. AIDS activism work who gave us both rides home.

Saturday, November 10, 2001-As we're checking into the Townsend Hotel in the Detroit suburb of Birmingham, we run smack into Rod Stewart and Gabby of the Butt Hole Surfers. We are all competing against each other 2nite. From the outside the Townsend looks like an office building in a strip mall, but inside the rooms are comfortably piss eleganza. Thank god because i'm tired and need to take a hot steam bath and nap. I have the cute lanky bellhop fetch me a copy of the Detroit Metro Times which features two big articles on Margaret and one on little olde lady me. Jimmy Draper is the writer and he is a friend of Johnny Ray Huston who wrote about me in the Bay Area Guardian when i did San Francisco. Its a very good write-up and gets right down to the heart of what I'm all about.

We have to do two shows at the Royal Oak Theatre, a dive that is freezing with no hot water which makes it very rock n roll. The shows are sold out and the audience wants to have a good time. My first shrimp victim is a cute Eurasian looking boy who I'd like to take back to the hotel and suck more than just his feet if you get my drift. I've always wanted an oriental boyfriend. Detroit is bleek, but i like that about it. Local celebs Broadzilla a girl metal band come to the show. One of the girls Rachel May works for the Free Press and is a big fan of mine.

Eugene Strobe of the Detroit band The Witches (who are kind of moody psychedelic Syd Barret as channeled through King Crimson) and Alphabet (which is poppy dischordant rock with two cute girls and three cute guys) come to the first show. They are recording a new album so they can't hang out for long. Eugene does bring along his drummer for the Witches and a band called The Wildbunch named Cory. Cory is a sexy young bicycle and brings me a present of some Ghettoblaster beer --i guess its a local delicacy of sorts, and winks at me and whispers that he is a tranny chaser. I was almost going to give him a blow job, but i didn't have the energy. Met cute Jimmy Draper who wrote the article about me in the Times. He and his friend are sweet. I'm really glad I'm not continuing on to Seattle with the tour and get to rest at home till its time for Minneapolis.

Friday, Nov 16, 2001-Fat bottom larry-bob boys they make the rocking world go round, and Minneapolis/St. Paul is the capital of 'em. Unseasonably warm weather, for this mall/food court centered town. Some basketball team is staying at the Grand Hotel and of course i find the only white player and wind up choking on his 13 1/2 inch caucasion cock. His name is Jason Williams and i don't remember which team he plays for but i almost miss soundcheck with my frenzied fornicating. The Orchestra Hall is lovely. Similar to Davies Symphony Hall in San Fran. I shrimp a juicy german blonde who works for General Mills. Nice kid. After the show i check out the bar scene with Margarets assistant Mayra Gomez. We stop by the twinkie bar The Saloon, the sleezy hustler bar The Brass Rail and end up at the Gay 90's which is like 20 clubs in one. I take a cute smart fan back to my hotel room for some intelligent fucqing. The boy really knows how to munch on a nappy dugout. Wind up staying up all nite since the limo is picking us up at 5:15. Margaret and Co go off to Atlanta, where there has been bomb threats against the Notorious C.H.O. tour. You know you've made it in showbiz when there is a bomb threat. i get to return to lady LA.

sunday, november 18, 2001-DJ'd designer Rick Owen's celebrity laden birthday party at the exclusive le deux cafe. Got hit on by both Vince Vaughn and Ellen DeGeneres. Cybill Shephard asked me what song i was playing when i put on Josephine Baker's Le Petite Tonkinese. Got into a little scrap with "The Courtney" as in Courtney Love. "Lady Demanda" wanted me to play some unreleased Nirvana songs that she happened to have with her. I was happy to oblige, but then she got mad that i wasn't playing them loud enough. It was after 2pm so it would have been inappropriate to crank it. Leave tuesday for Montreal where I've been told Prince Carl Phillip of Sweden is going to attend. Yum. I like hot humpy royalty.

Tuesday Nov 20, 2001-There is only one direct flight from LAX to Montreal and it leaves every day at 1pm. Of course being the "Charmed One" the plane breaks down at the gate with our luggage on board and the flight is cancelled so we have to spend 12 hours waiting for a substitute flight LAX to Toronto to Montreal, so there goes my day off having some well deserved French Canadian fun.

Wed Nov 21, 2001-Arrive in Montreal around 10am and make up for lack of sleep by going into a coma. The Loew's Vogue Hotel is charming and very comfy. We are in the center of everything. The performance is at a lovely symphony hall called Theatre Maison Place des Arts. I even have a wardrobe girl who steams all the wrinkles out of my gown and attends to my every whim. I enjoy star treatment. The audience is a dream and my shrimp victim is heavenly. He takes my breath away. His feet are large, thick and well shaped. He has a manly face and body and even Margaret takes notice of him---which really sez something. I fall madly in love with him. Too bad he's gay---i never get the gay ones. I'm so hot for him that i hardly pay any attention to the good looking young prince from Sweden who i think is a tranny chaser. Oh welp.

I check out the nite life and go to the Campus theatre for the strippers. One boy with a fat ass blows me away. I should have gotten a lap dance from him, but i was in a shy mode.

Thurday, November 22, 2001- Here we are in ToronToe- Our show at the Royal Thompson Hall isn't till tomorrow so we have a completely free day to do as we please. The Metropolitan Hotel in Chinatown is a business hotel---functional, but nothing special. Our Thanksgiving dinner is spent at the hotels Fancy Chinese Restaurant. Very Mr. Chow's. Bruce "Judy" LaBruce and his Shite Moslem beau join us for dinner. Judy is in fine form and her lover is fascinating. Afterward we all go to Rimington's for the strip show. They don't let women inside the bar, but i had JHo the tour mgr contact the club in advance and the nite manager was a huge Margaret fan so he gave us the VIP treatment and reserved a table Both Margaret and I got lap dances from the same Ewan McGregor lookalike. Will Munroe and the Vaseline kids also came by and joined our party. We had a great time and finished the evening off at Sneaker's the hustler bar.

Friday Nov 23, 2001-Will Munroe hired a make-up artist to beat my face and he did an excellent job. I trully was stunning. Margaret bought me some jeweled lashes and that sent me over the top in glamour. Everyone wanted to buy my face. The show was fantastic. Toronto audiences are creamy. The boy victim was smart and very self possessed. I had a second show to do at Vaseline. I couldn't hear my music very well, but everyone was so drunk it didn't matter. I looked incredible in my Rick Owens dress that matched my skin color and hair. I was really giving Lee's Cow Palace quite the look and they appreciated it. I did get one nutty heckler who i wasn't featuring so i politely broke a Molsom Beer bottle on his head. That shut him up.

Saturday, Nov 24, 2001-Vancouver the jewel of the pacific NOrthwest. Great room at the Pacific Palisades hotel with the most Gatica view. Resplendid! The Vogue Theatre wasn't that glamorous but the staff was courteous and helpful and the audience jubilant. J.Ho outdid himself with the boy he picked for me. His name was James Woods and he was a beautiful humpy dork, tall with glasses and perfect body and feet, and a straight boy, which is more my cup of camomile tea. I hope i get an email from the kid. I'd love to worship him on a regular basis. He had a great spirit. Later I hit the town with Jim Jones and his sweet black hair queen beau. we met up with Kurt Hilbert, Jeffreyland's younger brother and his gaggle of girlfriends. They took me to the Dufferin hotel which has these speed freak gogo dancers strutting at 78 mph. What a trip. Upstairs was a lame drag show. We also went by the levi leather dance bar The Numbers. Vansterdam is such a druggy city. The sad and the damned. I loved it. Hung out a lot with Glen Meadmore's old friend Vincente Alvaro, who use to own the legendary Vancouver club Graceland. Vincente knows everybody in the city and was the perfect host. I'd love to come back and spend more time with him. He really knows how to make a girl laugh.

Wed Nov 28, 2001-Paradise Lost, Paradise Found. Marriot Resort in Kauai. Majestic backdrop, dull terior. I'm really not a resort kind of gal. Invited to a grand dinner by power couple Julie Milligan and Jackie Yellin who are friends of tour producer Bill Silva. Fascinating and attractive saaphic honeys. They built their own barnstyle loft house from scratch. Their property is surrounded by what seems like a million acres of land. These women know how to live life to its fullest. They have an extroidinary wine cellar and a gorgeous blonde barefoot surfer boy groundskeeper, whose parents visiting from Texas came to our show at the Marriot's Ballroom. His goodtime Sally mom looks just like Arlene Dahl.

Couldn't get a crick out of my leg so I got a lame sha-shitsu massage from a filipino midget who said he was mixed with spanish and scandanavian. Yeah and I just fell off that turnip truck.

Friday Nov 30, 2001-More resort madness at the Maui Prince which seems to be geared for middle age golfers. Show at the Maui Arts and Cultural Center goes smoothly and I meet Larry Bob's cute San Fran expatriate friends Collin Clay and Ghalib El-Khalidi who are some sort of gay performance art version of Shields and Yarnell.

Saturday December 1, 2001-Finally Oahu and Honolulu's famed Waikiki Beach, which I see very little of since we're staying at the out-of-the-way resort Kahala Mandarin Oriental. The place is creamy. The best hotel I've stayed at on tour. I have a giant balcony that overlooks the bluffs onto a gilligan's island lagoon. We perform at the Blaisdell Concert Hall. I love symphony halls, the acoustics are perfect and the dressing rooms plush. Crepe Suzette is on the island doing costumes for another John Stockwell movie. She last worked with him on Crazy/Beautiful and is becoming part of his repertoire company This new flick is about little surfer girl jox featuring The Fast and The Furious star Michele Rodriguez. I guess its going to be Personal Best but with boogieboards. After a Notorious C.H.O. afterparty at the tired club Hula's (the owner said I scared him) met up with Doug Upp (Jackie Beat's famed ex-stalker) Doug is a Hawaii military brat. Doug is one ill ticket, and I had a zany time with him. He filled me in on a lot of Hawaiian cultural history and nuggets. I told him to emug me in more detail some of the things we talked about and he sent me this luscious jackson transcript:

hey won't risk saying the wrong thing by trying to express how unreal it was to see you this past weekend. I hope your stay in Hawaii was somewhat memorable; I think your performance was a good teaser and intro to the uninitiated. But that was just a taste, and they need to feel more your flavour. . .

when i was in high school, they taught Hawaiiana and ukulele in 5th grade (in Social Studies and Music class respectively). Lemme try to fill you in on what I can remember right now, little too much pakalolo...

(There are 8 main islands: Hawai'i, commonly known as the "Big Island", because it's area is greater than that of all the other islands combined. It is also thought of as the youngest islands since it is still growing because it's the last island with an active volcano Mauna Kea, whose lava flows into the ocean adding more land slowly over the years. Hilo and Kona are the main cities, but are on differents sides of the island, making there a huge expanse in between of dry land and not much to do.

O'ahu is the most modern and populous. The capital Honolulu is located here, as well as tourist claptrap Waikiki. It houses IOLANI palace, where queen Liliuokalani was imprisoned during the annexation of Hawaii into the United States. Though this land theft is widely acknowledged as illegal and unconstitutional, no reparations, much less apologies, have been offered. Today the census reveals white people are the fastest growing ethnicity, many of whom live on the numerous military bases. Construction of the H3 freeway was protested, and to this day detested, as it cuts through and covers many sacred burial places and heiaus (places of worship). It tunnels through the mountains and valleys separating Kaneohe Marine Corps Base and Pearl Harbor Naval Base, to easier mobilize the military in time of war.

A lot of white hippies live on Maui. After O'ahu it is the second most popular vacation spot. I've never been but I hear they have a big party scene. Guava Chiffon (drag queen)is a very active island celebrity with her own show the Cosmetix at some hotel in the former whaling town Lahaina, showing the pre-contact acceptance of mahu (gay/transgendered) here in the islands. Mahu were keepers of the culture, especially hula (kumu hula is a hula teacher, and halau is what they call the troupe of dancers). There is a locally produced documentary "Ke Kulana he Mahu: Remembering a Sense of Place" about Hawaii's historical attitudes about GLBT things that premiered at the Smithsonian in DC and is touring the festival circuit. I might be in there for a second, not sure, I never seen it yet. But I did perform a skit to your PME song "Homosexual is Criminal" at one of the film's fundraisers. The director Kathy Xiang filmed some other b&w lesbian love movie in my house.

Molokai is the friendly isle, where victims of leprosy were sent for quarantine, and to pretty much rot away and die (what do you call a leper in a bathtub?.....stew).

Kauai is the most tropical island. Lotta movie stars have houses there. Charro used to live and perform there at her restaurant "Charro's". Ni'ihau is owned by a family (Swiss Family Robinson's?) and is relatively primitive. Not backwards, but I don't think they're very modernized. They speak primarily Hawaiian, and you have to have Hawaiian blood to live on or even visit the island (invitation only).

There was a long battle to stop the U.S. military from targetting small islet Kaho'olawe during bombing practice. It is now a bird sanctuary, too small for anyone to live there, plus it has many unpopped explosives that make it uninhabitable.

Though there was no written language, Hawaiian was eventually transcribed into 12 letters: a e i o u h k l m n p w, words are pronounced like Spanish, however you say the 'H' like in ALOHA (hi/bye/love/spirit of friendship and kindness, very strong sense filling locals that makes them very giving and caring, warm-hearted), and the 'w' sometimes sounds like a 'v' like violet if it comes before an a, e, or i, but not at the beginning of a word. The first Hawaiians probbly came from Tahiti (lot of words are similar). History was spread and handed down in chant and hula, vocal and physical storytelling. Both men and women danced hula, which is very sacred and sensual, as each part of the story in a chant is expressed by rhythmically moving the feet, hips and hands. Ancient hula is usually danced to the hand tapping or ground pounding of a hollowed out gourd called an 'ipu'. Though Hawaiians were very open sexually and very flirtatious, men and women slept separately, and even ate separately. There were certain foods that men could eat that women couldn't and vice versa, but I don't remembre which. There were still other foods (i forget) kings ate that others couldn't. (Aikane were exemplary examples of masculinity and physical prowess that only kings could be intimate with.)

Since the White man has exploited and practically exterminated the Hawaiian people and bastardized and sold out their culture. Rich white men moved here to plant cash crops like pineapple and sugar cane, and shipped in cheap labor mostly from Asia to work for them. Lacking a common language, but expected to understand English, they developed and evolved a hybrid language today known as pidgin. It's a very lively yet abbreviated dialect used to ease communication between the nationalities, as well as keep the ha'ole confused. (Hawaiians greeted each other with a hug and exhalation or breath near the ear/neck "ha", and a'ole means none or without. White men did not wait to exhale when greeting each other).

Now that sugar (like C&H) is not so profittable, many plantations are closed, leaving acres of barren land unused and virtually unusable. Pineapple doesn't pull in the dough like it used to either, so the major Dole Cannery has now been turned into a practically uninhabited shopping center.

(Ok, now I'm getting tired, it's 315am so I'll skip the history lesson and just give you some lessons in local lingo and culture)

Spam is a popular dish and eaten in everything from musubi (Jap snack similar to sushi), to breakfast dishes like spam and eggs over rice. Meth got it's start here in Hawaii, popularly known as ice, clear, batu or utu (which I think mean "ice" in Filipino and Samoan. Most of the jails and homeless shelters are filled with ice dealers or addicts. Unlike on the mainland, it is smoked here, desparately in light bulbs or more commonly in glass pipes which have a hollow shaft with a round bulb-like bowl. The only holes are in the mouthpiece at the end of the shaft, and a small opening at the top of the bowl. The ice is usually crushed and dropped into the pipe and melted with a torch lighter until the bowl fills with smoke, which is then slowly inhaled, but immediately exhaled so it doesn't crystallize in the lungs. The residue is scraped off the glass and recycled. Pipes used to be legally sold as "incense blowers" with clip art like diagrams showing someone blowing in the mouthpiece as liquid incense was burned and evaporated thru the little bulb hole.

Because of Hawaii's multicultural society, much local humour pokes fun at many stereotypes, which non-locals find offensive and try to censor, especially since much of it makes haoles (caucasians) out to be pretty square, rude, or greedy. Like when that fag on the Real World made a big scandal over local radio personality Augie Tulba's stand-up routine. Most local comedians got their rise to fame mimicking and mocking different ethnicities, but the one which takes most of the brunt are the Filipinos (known in descending order of condescendance: pinoys, manongs, flips, or bukbuks). Their accents are always imitated, food and clothing style insulted (especially for eating black dog and wearing gaudy mismatched colours like orange green and brown). Japs are known as stuck-upp and upptight, usually rich or just spoiled. Samoans are scary but gentle. Hawaiians are lazy and stupid. Chinese are cheap (pake). Portuguese (potagee) are talkative and stupid.

Some local lingo:'haole' (howly) caucasian.
'pakalolo' (crazy grass) is pot, very popular and an almost legalized remedy 'ho' interjection usually starting a sentence.
as a sign of respect or endearment, most locals refer to older men and women as uncle or auntie, and contemporaries as cousin or "cuzz".
'no more' means either "I don't have any" or "There is none".
'go shishi' is to urinate
'da kine' can mean anything you can't remember or would rather not say whether in discretion or dislike. It could also mean gay or pretty much anything you want
'okole' is butt
'kane' is male
'wahine' is female
'ovah' is flawless, beautiful
'kala' accent on la, means money.
'kanak attack' means to eat till you sleep (kanak short for kanaka ma'oli which means native Hawaiian)
'mahalo' is thank you.
'kama'aina' means old timer'
'malihini' is newcomer
'laka' is penis
'fufuna' or 'bilut' mean vagina (samoan and filipino)
gay slangs
'T' I think is universal I think as in "my T" meaning "my type"; or to mean gay or trangendered "Is she T, or what?"; or as a greeting, often when you don't remember someone's name "how you, T?"
'J' is jealous or spiteful.
'rita' is short for retarded to mean drunk or stoned, or can mean pot/weed.

The club we went to was Fusion, we ate at Eggs n Things, you stayed at the Kahala Mandarin where Britney Spears filmed her swimming-with-the-dolphins segment of her tv special.

I hope I was some help, and not too verbose.

Friday, Dec 7, 2001-Local show down in Ms. San Diego at the olde burlesque house Spreckles Theatre in the gaslight district. Came down a bit early so that i could fool around with Miles Fisher, who is 18 and being pimped around Hollywood as the next Tom Cruise. I can't wait to see Miles' full frontal debut in the new movie Gods and Generals which i think gets an early 2002 release.

Ms. Lorena, Margaret's filmographer was shooting me for the DVD release of Notorious C.H.O. I wore my dirty Mariah Carey wig especially for the occasion. "I'm not having a nervous breakdown, I'm just exhausted" Luke Wilson came to the San Diego show and he is so my type and hunky that i wanted drop Miles in a heartbeat. Oh what a fickle brujas I am.

Monday Dec 10, 2001- News Flash. Just got sent a script for a movie called "On the Avenue" I agreed to take a meeting in January with Director Ang Lee (Sense and Sensibility/Hidden Dragon/Crouching Tiger/The Ice Storm) This project stars Hugh Grant and gorgeous Joseph Fiennes brother of Ralph. Its a remake of Pygmillion the original story behind the musical My Fair Lady but this time it involves a black tranny crack ho who speaks Ebonics and must be turned into a high class dame. The perfect part for me. Lets keep our scrotum crossed that i get the part. I want an Oscar!

Thursday, Dec 13, 2000-I adore Portland Oregon. Or shall i say Gus Van Sant land. Gus came to our show at the Portland Art Museum, which is a beautiful building. Other notable celebrities were the Dandy Warhols. Great crowd in general and we stayed downtown at luscious Fifth Avenue Suites. The staff of the hotel were very accomodating to divas. I hadn't been to Portland in awhile. The last time i was there i had a show at the Portland Institute of Contemporary Art.

I walked to the gay area in the drizzle on Stark Street and went to this club called Scavengers. The place is actually named Silverado but Scavengers is more poetic. They had these boy strippers who go down to G-strings. Some were quite tasty. One in particular was very pale with large feet and a voluptous asstrovar. He was manly with a skin head and sideburns and punky sneer across his face. The best dancer was chunky and funky, or shall I say he was downright fat. I loved him. He must have danced 5 songs in a row and was turning it out. I gave him a big tip. Met these two boys who had been to my show and recognized me. i ordered some food and drank whisky sours with them, and then they took me next door to this bar called The Three Sisters---where the boylesque dancers get totally naked. It was so Montreal.

All the white boy dancers were wiggers with the classic hip-hop stance and attitude. I gather they were all gay for pay since they seemed to have a lot of their girlfriends in the audience cheering them on. It was all so polymorphously perverse. My favorite dancers were a bubble butt blonde surfer type, a John Wayne is big leggy humpy dork, a light skinned DMX jubilee, and two tag team mulatto twins. We ended the evening at The leather bar Eagle where i ran into Lil Andrew a friend of Paper Magazines John Sanchez. We went to The Roxy, an all nite diner and had breakfast and he gracious drove me back to my hotel.

Friday, December 14, 2001-We all go to Powell's famous independent bookstore and go hog wild on a mad buying spree. I must have spent over $100 dollars on books. Margaret and her assistant Mayra are right behind me. The only one who doesn't buy anything is tour mgr J.Ho. Among my prize purchases ---- a biography of Roland Barthes by Louis-Jean Calvet which I'll probably give to Ron Athey since its his birthday on Dec 16th. The complete Novelettes of Honore de Balzac, The Philosophy of Schopenhauer, Roland Barthes Camera Lucida, Wallace Stevens' Whole Harmonium, The Disenchanted by Budd Schulberg, The Girl with the Golden Eyes, by Balzac and Wallace Stevens Art of Uncertainty.

We take Air Alaska from Portland to Palm Springs. I didn't even know Palm Springs had an international Airport. The landing was rough. I thought the plane was going to crash into the mountain side. We're staying and performing at the Wyndam Hotel, where they put on the tired White Party. I get to take a long nap before showtime. Nothing but old people in the crowd and they are a rather quiet and polite audience. tonites victim is a sweet 19 year old Mexican boy from Riverside. A super stretch limo whisks us back to LA after the show.

Monday Dec 24, 2001-Its been wonderful having almost two weeks off between shows on the Notorious C.H.O. tour. Just because I haven't been performing doesn’t mean I'm not working. I have a major deadline with the French fashion magazine Rebel. I met the two sweet editors Cecile and Fabrice in Paris at a fancy dinner party at the oh so chic flat of director Jean Pierre Jeunet who directed the gorgeous film City of Lost Children and the current art house favorite Amelie. I always get jobs from attending dinner parties. Anyway they are having me write about my hometown's hottest dinizens. I've decided to feature Rick Owens for fashion, Jade Gordon for acting, Bibbe Hansen for art and Professor Jennifer Doyle of UC Riverside for academia. Professor Doyle cooks a spendiforous gourmet meal for me and some visiting dignitaries from Belgium, namely Crown Prince Phillippe and his wife Mathilde d'Udekem d'acoz who is Professor Doyle's European cousin. The Duchess of Brabant as she is formally known comes from a Flemish speaking family, though she grew up in the French speaking south central section of Belgium. For royalty they were really down to earth and I found it fascinating hearing about their country becoming increasingly fractured between its linguistic communities. They also didn't shy away from the uncomfortable subject of 19th century King Leopold II who was quite the brute when it came to Africa, and Leopold III who many feel was a Nazi collaborator. I certainly travel in some decidedly povah international circles eh? Here is the menu that Professor Doyle cooked. She is quite the gourmand:

Walnut, Coriander & Cumin Rolls with Stilton & warm orange blossom honey Gnocchetti (baby gnocchi, made with potato and fresh herbs ) and sautéed wild mushrooms (chanterelles, trompets de la mort, morels & porcini -- purchased from cute boy at farmer's market)
Blood Orange, Fennel, & Watercress Salad
Tenderloin of Beef (roasted on a bed of thyme & savory), served with Port Wine Reduction and carrots, celery root, & brussel sprouts
Yorkshire Pudding (roasted in pan drippings)
Chocolate Cake Layered with Rasberries and Mocha Ganache

Tuesday, December 25, 2001-Merry Christina Onassis. After a Swiss style Christmas brunch in Chavez Ravine at Cyril & Karin's and a Swish Alps afternoon affair in the Franklin Hills with LA Weekly writers Steven Mikulan and Sandra Ross I get an unexpected visit from Mark Lewman, bearing gifts namely his giant penis. Mark use to be the editor of the Sassy Magazine spinoff periodical for boys, Dirt. We haven't fornicated in ages, but I don't believe in spitting at a gift horse hung in the eye so I gave him some goodies then kicked him to the curb. Happy Newt Gein!

Friday, Dec 28, 2001-Glamorous Cupertino. Sounds like something you remove paint with. Staying at the Fairmont, a classy oldeschool hotel in gentrified downtown San Jose. San Jose is the third largest citi in the state of California---doesn't seem like it. Our show is at the lush Flint Center on the DeAnza community college campus. Hot Silver Fox and Cho Tour producer Bill Silva came up for this show, and brought his birthday boy gal pal i'll refer to as "Twee". He's a dear dimunitive man, boyish and charming in a Michael J. Fox "BrightLIghts, Big City kind of way". He is also a big lover of preppie chorizo. He doesn't care for trade latino carne like me. The "Doll" is be all about her roughnecks and thugs -- I ain't nothing but a gangsta's bitch. I like "Twee" he's a good time Sally of a fun loving gay gal. He's more of a normal homo, but isn't irritating the way most sweater queens are. I appreciate that he's low key and low maintainance.

The performance went really well. Margaret's mother was in the house, her mom has become quite the celebrity. The Goddess Cho looked great and well rested from her colonic retreat. She's giving me a gift certificate for some high colonic sessions and honey I need them, because my plumbing is all clogged up, I'm not as Massingale fresh as I could be. After the show we went to this bar in Santa Clara called STD's. Watched two juicy shirtless young boy's with taunt titties dance their love away to some of the worse music I've ever heard in a disco. Bill and I spent some time talking to the beautiful boys. They were sweet little cuties just adorable, innocent and happy to be anywhere god bless them.

Monday Dec 31, 2001-New Year's Eve. No wilde party for this lady. I take Greyhound down to San Diego to have a quiet end of the year retreat with some young male models I met earlier in the year in Europe.

Sean Gordon of the size 13 shoes, and 14 inch peni wanted to drive me down, but I don't like the way he is behind the wheel. I'm uncomfortable in a car with someone who only uses one hand to steer. Thats way too arrogant for my taste. I was going to go down by Amtrak, but it takes 3 hours because they make so many damn stops. It's quicker by bus, only 2 hours, and there's a port-o-potty in the back of the coach. Arrive at Barnabe Fillion's North Park house way before Sean. My Vagimule intuition was righton---he got in to a car accident outside of Oceanside.

Joining us for dinner is another model named Graham Black. The kid is gorgeous but dumb as a brick. These boys are so goodlooking with pretty hefty sized endowments, but they are nothing but hungry pig bottoms whose dicks are just for decoration. It's only 7pm and they are already high on copious amounts of crystal meth, special K and crack cocaine. Gawd only knows what other narcotics are in their system. I knew they did drugs, but I had no idea that they were so Lifestyle about it. Its really freaking me out that I'm spending two days with these kids. How do they keep their muscular tight bodies so firm doing so much dope? I guess when you're only 21 you can sleep it off and it doesn't effect your body or pretty face. At least they have catered a splendid feast.

Barnabe, who is the smartest of the bunch spills his guts to me about how he hates modeling and traveling all over the world and is sick of his role as jaded truck mistress. I have to admit the kid is a first class sex freak. At 13 he was already getting fisted and pissed on, and by 15 was going home with kink daddies and letting them set him on fire.

At 10:30 I decide to hit the hay, I don't need to ring in the New Year. In the morning I find that the boys never went to sleep and are engaged in a bumping bush orgy with some so-called "power tops" who are equally as drugged as they are so I'm sure no one is getting their nelly needs met. I decide I've had enough of the den of iniquity so I leave to find a cheap motel to stay one more night in. Of course all the motels are booked in the Hilcrest area so I decide I'll take Mz. Greyhound back to Los Ang one day early, and on my way to the bus stop I get picked up by this skin headed surfer looking dude. He's a mix of humpy dork and sleek high snow. I get in his SUV and he takes me to Mission Beach where we hang with some of his stoner surfer/skater pals. I find out he's been taking Ecstacy, and is in a very loopy good mood. He's basically a straight guy who has a thing for tall black men. I doubt if he's ever been with one, its just something that he fantasizes about and for whatever reason decided to pick me up and see what would happen. After Mission Beach we go to Ocean Beach and then he suggests we find a motel to chill at. Well the guy is a scuba diver and he's been living for several years in Honduras. His family are wealthy socialites who live in LaHoya. I wind up having a pretty fun time with him and he got to live his fantasy by burying his face in my nappy dugout. He was so happy to do the lingal chow down that I fell asleep with his face buried up my rectum and when I awoke he was still going to town. Now that's being consistent.

Saturday January 5, 2002-Long Beach's Terrace Theatre. Last local show of the Notorious C.H.O. tour. Margaret is looking stunning, and giving high top sexy booty realness. Her english beau Nick also looks dapper in his combination Romeo Gigli/Vivienne Westwood with pic flap.

I decide to give the shrimp routine a break and perform my song "French". Bill Van Rooy my sweet little 19 year old musical prodigy did an amazing remix and new arrangement of the song in an electronic Byork vein. Bill along with his 18 year old bootylicious pal Sky Preston performed along with me, as my Tragic Mulatto New Wave Hustlers. Their Cee Farrow lookalike friend, Robert played the keyboards. This new piece took a lot of people by surprise. My boys are so young an innocent looking that it was jarring seeing them mock masturbating, fisting, rimming and plowing. Having spent my early teen years and most of my performance art life in Europe I always forget that the American puritan ethic holds strong even with those who "claim" to be more enlightened. The truth of the matter is most people can only handle a watered down version of me, and even that is too ill for most.

The last big Euro show I did, my budget was $40,000 dollars and being grand I had this system rigged using bungy cords where I did my "Serpentina" persona ---bare lactating breastage with these strapping Gypsy acrobats and Balkin contortionists, swooping down on the audience and kidnapping them out of their seats, removing their clothing and basically putting their lives in jeopardy. Some people hated it, others loved that I pushed their boundaries. Welp, If you want to play it safe you might as well go and see a dull road company of Cats or Les Miserables. Our shows in Texas are going to be interesting. Conservative places and people are always more open. So I'm looking forward to BarbaraBushland. In fact I'm going to dedicate the lone star state shows to my good friend Jules Phillips who died of cancer. Back in the 70s Julia Phillips produced The Sting, becoming the first woman to win an Oscar as a producer then went on to produce Taxi Driver and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. She was very generous Jewish lady from a family of intellectuals and one of a kind supporting all my art endeavors from The Afro Sister shows in the 80s, Hag Gallery and Club Sucker. I even wrote a PME song called "You'll Never Eat Pussy in This Town Again" as hommage to her, and she loved it. RIP

Friday January 11,2001-Checking my emails from the Fairmont Hotel in downtown Dallas right next to the I dream of Jeannie Green Bottle homo moderna building.

Got a loving emug from Cristina Ricci my favorite Hollywood ingenue. She was at the Long Beach C.H.O. show. Wow! I'm crazy about Ms. Ricci. She wants to be added to my mailing list. Margaret tells me that Lydia Lunch and her pretty beau were also at the show. I was so busy holding court in the corner on the coach i didn't notice them, and since i was sitting down they didn't see me.

Show in Dallas was boisterous in a fun loving good ole boy kind of way. My shrimp victim was lovely with perfect feet that tasted good. He comes from a wealthy Texas Oil family and goes to NYU. After show i chilled and watched the History Channel's Ancient Almanac. I learned about a crazy Egyptian Queen who was sortof an FtoM. She just decided one day that she was a man and started dressing in men's clothing and even wore a fake beard. What a hot dagger. I leave this morning for Whitney from Houston.

friday, january 11,2002-Aerial Theatre in Houston Texas is a semi stadium. I feel like the Beetles at Dodger Stadium. Alex Salazar, a young Tex-Mex Harvard Grad takes me out to frolic. Alex is a dear, sweet pollyana with a hatchet. He says he likes to suck at least 20 dicks a week. We start off at JR's an ole fashion saloon, but for twinkies. The gogo dancers were ill. They'd all huddle together on this wooden stage and just chit chat with each other. Some of them were a little long on the tooth. Thongs and cowboy boots just don't go together. We then went to the Montrose Mining Company which is similar to the Faultline, if they had a boy in the plastic bubble patio. Except for the gay area the entire city seems deserted. Our final nite life foray is at the South Beach Club, a high tech crystal mess palace that has TV monitors above the urinals. They even recycle the gogo boys from JR's. Alex gets into a shouting match with a tow truck operator who blocked him at a gas station. The man looked like a giant rutabega and was trying to pick up a lady of the evening. Alex yelled at him, "I'm going to tell your wife". Had a delicious t-mex meal at the Taquiria Tapatia.

Saturday, January 12, 2002-Last two shows at the Paramount Theatre in Austin, Texas--the self-proclaimed music capital of the world. Austin is very small town realness. Lots of cute college boys jogging topless. We're staying at the Omni Hotel that his some sweet bellhops. Mayra, Margaret's assistant and merchandise mgr accompanies me through the downtown section and state capital. We eat at this seafood restaurant called Mariscos Grill. The food is beyond good. Tomorrow we're off to New York City for the last show on the tour. I'm be staying at Bruce Benderson's. I adore him.

Mon Jan 14, 2002- Birthday party at Marion's on Bowery for Global Editrix Glenn Belverio. A yummy gaggle of Man!hattan fashion luminaries and socialites---- Polly Melon, Nan Kempner plus Carole Pope - author of Anti-Diva and ex-saaphic lover of Dusty Springfield. Dana Dickey - editor of Conde Nast Traveler, Aric Chen from New York magazine, knit-wear designer Tom Scott, Corey Sabourin of Rolling Stone, celebrity wrangler and Yoko Ono confidante, Robert Young and so/on/so/forth. I was very happy to sit next to delish new fashion photog-ho Ryan McGinley. He is sooooo adorable and sexy in a little boy art whore kind of way. He's only 21 and is being groomed to replace Terry Richardson in that scutterbug hierachy. Performing at the party were the Poontang Sisters who I'd like to bring out to LA for G.I.M.P. Unltd. After the party we went to Gavin Brown Enterprises Passerbye where Amy Kellner was early 80s obscura. I gagged on the lovely extravaganza of her spinning some Flying Lizards and Pig Bag.

Tuesday, Jan 15, 2002- Bob Nickas of Art Forum took me to lunch at Acme where I gobbled some soul food---Yummy. Bob has the best sense of humor. We ran into hot surfer filmmaker Drew Heitzler whose new movie Subway Sessions will be screened at Anthology Film Archives. My host Bruce Benderson is so smart and sexy. He is also the best damn writer in New York period. His book Toward the New DeGeneracy should be the tome that everyone should follow. Bruce also rediscovered James Biggood the director of Pink Narcissus and he even mentored J.T. LeRoy. One of his many day jobs is teaching at the subversive all hot boys college in the California desert. This is their coda: 1917---Two radical social utopias were born---only one survives---- Deep Springs College. "The distinction between laborer and intellectual must be effaced" -V.I. Lenin. Had sweltering date with young French Canadian boy from Ottawa named Calvin. This boy is so well endowed he can make your eyes spin, especially when he's doing butt naked backflips into the bed.

Wed Jan 16, 2002-Check in to Hudson Hotel, the newest Ian Schrager trend hotelier designed by Phillip Stark with Francesco Clemente mural on the ceilings of their fancy restaurant. The place use to be an SRO occupancy or flop house for derelicts. Some of whom they couldn't get rid of so they built around them. On the floor I'm staying on one of the winos wanders aimlessly through the halls in his boxers. Everyone who works at the hotel is really cute, but not very helpful, plus the rooms are too tiny. I prefer the Royalton across from the Algonquin or the Clift in San Francisco. My actual show at Carnegie"Arsenio" Hall went really well. Though the stage hands were a little bit of a pill. It was like they were doing us a favour by letting us perform in their hallowed space. I adored the backstage usherettes Debby and Dorian from Harlem. They were two down black ladies who gave me all the hot "T". Debby gave me a copy of "The Coldest Winter Ever" by Sister Soldier. Whatever happenened to her? Lots of celebs came back stage to congragulate including ugly Junior Vasquez and his humpy Guidaliscious beau, plus Rosie Perez, Clair Danes, Edward Norton, Jeremy Northam, Helen Mirren and that salty Helena Bonham Carter.

Saturday, January 19, 2002-My Cho tour may have ended, but instead of resting I rush right into another performance at UC Riverside's Museum of Photography for the Queering Warhol Conference. They put me and my New Wave Hustlers at the renown Mission Inn, the preferred GOP hotel where Nixon got married and Jane Wyman and Ronald Reagan honeymooned. Oh let me give credit where credit is due. The new remix of "French" that I performed was co arranged by Robert Zimmer along with Bill Van Rooy who will be traveling with Daddy Ron Athey to Hamburg for the premiere of Ron's new piece "Joyce". Bill has composed the music for the Dadster, and Bill is a young musical genius with a really nice ass. I love him.

Friday, January 25, 2002 - Tomorrow is a memorial service for Lance Loud at Chateau M. I won't be attending as I never go to funerals or weddings. I didn't even attend my mother's funeral, as I prefer to reflect on the lives of people who pass in a private state of meditation. I had never seen Lance in the famed PBS documentary An American Family, but I'd heard of its legend. In a way I was glad I'd never seen it. When I first met him in the early 80s after he'd moved back to Los Angeles from New York it was at an art function and I was enamored of his masculine beauty. He point blank said to me, "You want to have sex with me, I can tell." I was flabbergasted, but not because I felt he was being haughty, he said it so matter-of-fact. I think he was bemused by my Gacy glare of his body and face. We instantly bonded and became friends. Not close friends, but more than just acquaintances. When I lived on Sunset Blvd at the Villa Rosa Apt's that I turned into the Hag Gallery, he would invite me over to the home he shared with his mother Pat. I would give him private screenings of my underground film ouvre and he proclaimed me a genius. He was forever lauding my praises to anyone who would listen, and wrote articles about me in Details, Exposure, The Advocate and countless other periodicals. He loved spreading the gospel according to Ms. Davis.

I'll never forget the last of the grand dinner parties at his mother's house. The food was delicious and it was awe inspiring to be in the company of so many legends. Lance and his mother were gracious hosts---no lesbian style vegetarian pot lucks with them---plenty of meaty meat and the liquor continually flowing----now that's a class act.

Whenever I was invited to movie screenings it was always a pleasure to run into him and Tra-La-La (Mrs. A.I.D.S. Nurse Debbie) He was no longer freelance writing, but the two of them together would liven those stuffy screening rooms

Lance and I both had small parts in the PBS mini-series of Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City. Lance was amazing playing a snippy hauteur queen.

Underground filmmaker John Aes-Nihil at my suggestion cast Lance in the Montgomery Clift role in his re-make of Suddenly, Last Summer. If Aes-Nihil ever finishes editing the movie it is sure to be a masterpiece, just because Lance Loud is its star.

Read Vaginal Davis' German Diary.
Read Vaginal Davis' Italian Diary.
And you can read More from Vaginal Davis' Diary.

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