Speaking From the Diaphragm
The Vaginal Davis Blog
. . .From the Counsel of Inter-Continental Balistic Principalities
Friday, November 19, 2004
LIFE UPON THE WICKED STAGE
Had a precious luncheon date with art historian Robert Summers. He and his boyfriend/photog Matt Lipps, are just too delicious for words. I'm going to sexually art direct their lives, by first making Matt have wild sex with my Bricktops taxi dancer Summer Peaches. Matt is gorgeous with a stunning face, body and endowment and before Autumn's end I'm going to have him locked up in a four star hotel with Miss Peaches and his boyfriend will have to watch as they fornicate.
I also love one of Robert's students Jason from Jerusalem, an extremely bright, perceptive and sexually voracious young grad student from Israel. This Jason boy is proof that Jews are indeed, god's chosen people.
***
Was taken to brunchina by hunky Cesar Vega. We left around 12:30 to eat downtown, and somehow bru lasted several hours. We wound up in the main bar at the Biltmore Hotel where he was downing martini's and i was chugging blended whiskey sours. Cesar is going to go on a monthlong motorcycle diary jaunt retracing Ernesto "Che" Guevara's steps in South America. Now thats exciting!
Whenever I'm with Cesar i wind up telling him stories of my million year old life. Somehow first jobs came up and relayed to him how at age 8 my first dabble with employment was working around the corner from my apartment on Pico and Hobart for this 50 something black man name JB who had me seperating nails and screws in his workroom/garage. This little task took me all day and all i managed to earn was 50 cents. I guess thats not bad money for a child in the 1970s. JB was a dirty old geezer who had a 15 year old big peniled Puerto Rican concubine living with him named Roger Sanchez. Roger's 14 year old girlfriend from Costa Rica had the perfect screen star name of Zeidy Ballar. Zeidy and her younger sister attended the all girls parochial school Bishop Canady. Girls at that school were called Pico Pick-ups. I still remember how shocked i was when my mother who knew all the gossip in the neighborhood told me in a matter-of-fact manner, that not only was JB sleeping with Roger, but Zeidy, Anabelle, and Roger's father. I did witness JB propositioning my older sister Teresa Ray, who was 18 at the time and not exactly a knockout, with her crooked teeth and popping out thyroid eye condition. Funny, he was never inappropriate with me. Now that I think about it, I'm kindof offended.
Friday at Bricktops it was our Jerome Kern, Till The Clouds Roll Bye celebration. Kristian Hoffman the no wave legend who was in the great bands, The Mumps, The Swinging Madisons and a million others performed a delicious set of Jerome Kern songs, "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man, Smoke Gets in Your Eyes and one I'd never heard of that was liltingly beautiful. We then dueted on "I Won't Dance" Kristian's accompanyist Linda Good lives in the Little Ethiopia section of LA Between Pico and Olympic off of Fairyfax. Linda is a very talented and sweet girl that works with Stew and the band, The Negro Problem.
Seen drinking and living it up in a grand manner, the juicy Gwen Kahn of the Pandora's fame. Gwen is also the granddaughter of songwriting legend Gus Kahn. Designer Michael Schmidt was his usual dapper self along with Dame Darcy, the illustrious Tommy Gear of the Screamers, film editor Billy Rich, Iranian tranny temptress Parisol whose been hooking in NYC, a low key Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Who's minding that damn baby Apple?
My new cute protege and Otis graphic arts student James Medina, UCLA post docker Jason of Jerusalem, and Sloan Ranger British socialite Edward Van Cetsom who was macking on me one minute and Google founder Sergey Brin, the next.
.: posted by Vaginal Davis 7:58 AM
BUTCH WITHOUT SUNDANCE
The butch in the equation is Pat Kingsley, the uber careerist dyke honcho of PMK/HBH PR firm. Sundance is my gal pal Leslee Dart, who got the ax after 23 years of diligent service to the spinmeistering of the stars like ditzy Nicole Kidman, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson and that queeny horror Scott Rudin. For some reason i can get along with power bitches. We don't require the same kind of attention so there's no cancelling each other out. I never click with gay men, only straight women, diesels and fruit flies(straight men) I always wind up in intense romantic friendships with sexist pigs---the kind of men you wouldn't even expect I'd be acquainted with. Well Ms. Davis has always been a misnomer.
Filmed a little short yesterday with Margaret Cho and Jackie Beat. Not the kind of thing I usually do, but i haven't worked with Goddess Cho since our tour and it was great to see her again. Her house in the Montrose Hills is gorgeous from 1928. She and her husband Rev. Al of the Cacophoney Society have the place filled with all sorts of macabre art objects. My fav is the giant aborted fetus complete with unbiblical cord.
NOTE TO SELF: I can't give my time to any more film projects that aren't my own. Its just too taxing, so all you auteurs PLEASE don't ask me to be in your movie. I'm not exactly a gainfully employed superstar, so i can only afford to take on lucrative paid gigs and assignments.
In the words of the immortal Nastassia Kinski, "I'm not feeling very well".
.: posted by Vaginal Davis 7:58 AM
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
KELLY BAG/BIRKEN BAG
This cute note came to me from art historian Robert Summers:
Dear Ms. Davis:
I never got a chance to tell you that it was a pleasure to see you disrupt the Getty's Nadar-Warhol exhibition in 1999. You arrange things in things in a queer way so that the obvious no longer makes sense (the lineages and narratives that unproblematically connect Nadar to Warhol) and the obscure or absurd makes complete sense (the queer connections you make between the LA underground and Warhol's life and times -- not to mention your own). Indeed, Every time I see you at one of your performances - whether it is at a University, Platinum Oasis, or your nights at the Parlor Club - I am always captivated, spellbound. During our (almost) weekly lunch date, which I always look forward to, we briefly discussed your installation at the Eighteenth Street Art Center, and you said that you showed an “absurd archive”. I told you that I thought that is what you did at the Getty years ago, and you said “Oh, all archives are absurd, honey!” I didn't get it at first - given I have been disciplined as an art historian -- but now, thinking about it further, aren't archivists that refuse and resist to place things in a teleological order that will show a proper, linear history an act of absurdity -- at least to the keeps of archives? But, that isn't what you meant … is it. No, all archives, depending on where you stand are always already absurd. But, enough of this for now…
As you know, I am writing an essay about your Performance at the Getty - you know the one you did in 1999, and I am writing on this not only because it touches on one of my research interests (i.e., museum/archives) but because your work is amazing, timely, and always on target. As we discussed days after your performance, I told you that I have never really like art history. And, I find myself talking and writing about people, places, and objects that will never find their way into any traditional art history book or classroom, but that is a “good thing”, and I guess that is why I started doing art history in the first place -- it needs to change or be eradicated since its modus operandi is completely outdated, out-of-touch, and fascist from the perspective of the majority -- people of color, immigrants, queers, and the working-class and working-poor, which are all those people that go to your performances, exhibitions, and performative lectures.
So Ms. Davis, what follows is what I learned from one of your performances, which I still think about and which I hope do justice to as I write about it. Let me know what you think.
xxx-robert
and this just came to me from Wigstock Mistress, The Lady Bunny
for those of you easily offended, don't read any further because Lady Bun Bun has a very foul mouth
MY COMRADE, the hysterical 'zine which ruled gay nyc counter-culture (when
there was one) from 1987-93, is ready for a re-launch, and it features an
interview with moi, by the grande olde lady of hag drag herself, Linda
Sampson. What's Linda been up to during her mag's 11-year hiatus? Why
hosting two weekly nights of bingo, always a favorite past-time amongst her
(advanced) age group. For more info or to find the one store which sells it
check out her site www.sloppypigbottom.com--oh wait! It's her other site,
www.mycomrade.com, which contains info about the magazine. This
hot-off-the-press issue also includes Grace Jones, Mother Flawless Sabrina
(the emcee from the classic film THE QUEEN), Chi Chi Valenti and Dr. Vaginal
Davis. Sure to be a collector's item like all of the first batch.
Linda and I are actually dear friends--we only maintain a stage feud to keep
you hateful bitches in stitches. Actually, though few know it since it was
cancelled after only 2 issues, Linda and I once wrote a column called FULLY
DYSFUNCTIONAL for SCREW magazine in 2000. (The title is a play on "fully
functional" which many of the tranny hookers who advertise in SCREW describe
themselves as, so potential clients would not worry that the "girls'"
estrogen-drenched clitty-cocks couldn't get hard.) Our first column is
entitled FISH STICK TRICKS.
LINDA: So here we are Bunny, writing our debut column for SCREW.
BUNNY: Yes, me in my chastity belt, a whipped-creme cock ring, a grape in
each nostril, with tiger balm-coated nipple clamps.
LINDA: And do you recognize the designer dress I've chosen?
BUNNY: Yes, I recognized it at once--Salvation Armani.
LINDA: Certainly, SCREW has offered us a golden opportunity: to discuss and
debate any topic we choose on a monthly basis.
BUNNY: No money, but we get to drain Al Goldstein's nasty nuts as payment. I
LOVE a one-inch Jew cock.
LINDA: Bunny, that's not fair--Al has at least one-and-a-half inches. I must
admit though that I had some second thoughts about appearing in such a
highly controversial magazine. Do you think that our reputations might
suffer?
BUNNY: What reputations? I think they might IMPROVE.
LINDA: Oh, you're right! Besides, I like to think of myself as a mighty
warrior in the battle for sexual liberation.
BUNNY: Really? I like to think of myself as a desperate whore who will use
any means to draw attention to her availability.
LINDA: Perhaps we should give the readers a little background info on
ourselves. I'm a journalist and entertainer, and aspire to be a pop culture
icon.
BUNNY: Actually, you remind me of a pop culture icon of another era--Lassie.
I'm the creator of Wigstock, a world-crass entertainer, a much sought-after
dj, and one helluva cocksucker.
LINDA: And maybe we should provide some of our sexual habits. Do you have
sex very often?
BUNNY: My dog is eating my ass right now. Does that count?
LINDA: Do you think that the same guys who read SCREW for the trannie escort
ads would be interested in meeting us?
BUNNY: Well, they might be disappointed when our tits come off when our
dresses do.
LINDA: I find it amazing how many men are sexually attracted to
transvestites and transsexuals.
BUNNY: Yet hardly any of them consider themselves gay. Some tranny-chasers
just want their dicks sucked and a hole to poke, and they know that trannies
can be quite horny and available. Other guys specifically seek out trannies
because they're after the tranny's lady-meat, her fish stick, whatever you
want to call it: they won't suck a cock unless it's coming out from under a
skirt. Your father, Linda, is an example of this kind.
LINDA: Leave dad out of this! I actually think that most most tranny-chasers
are bisexual. Gay sex is so stigmatized in our society, that the only way
some men feel comfortable having sex with another man is when their sex
partner is camouflaged as a woman--it's an illusion if a heterosexual
encounter. But there are so many degrees of tranny-chasing that it's hard to
generalize.
BUNNY: Well, I think that the more a tranny looks like a woman the more
desirable she is. That's why you haven't had a date in a year, Lydia. But if
you keep on cruising the Institute for the Blind you'll eventually come up
with something.
LINDA: I don't think I necessarily need to "pass" to get men. I've seen you
with your wig askew and your false eyelashes down to your jowls, and still
be able to attract guys.
BUNNY: I guess they sensed my inner femininity, or maybe I had some good
coke.
LINDA: What I'm saying is that in some circumstances tranny-chasers are
turned on by a queen who doesn't pass.
BUNNY: When a guy wants a queen instead of a transsexual it's usually
because he wants "her" dick. And he wants that dick to get hard. Many
transsexuals take hormones, and it diminishes their ability to get an
erection. Thats why the tranny escorts who advertise in the back of this
magazine often claim 'no hormones" in their ads, even thought they are
probably taking them.
LINDA: Yet no matter how much these "straight" guys might enjoy having sex
with trannies, the possibility of romantic relationships is pretty nil. But
personally, I'm not really that interested.
BUNNY: I thought that you and Al Sharpton were still dating! You were
telling me about that hot scene where he put you in a garbage bag, shit all
over you, and called you Tawana.
LINDA: Bunny, that is outrageous! And are you currently involved with
someone?
BUNNY: No, but horse-hung readers are urged to contact me with their phone
numbers. And I don't even charge!
LINDA: Well, if you're emphasizing "horse-hung" it doesn't seem like you're
really interested in romance.
BUNNY: Honey, I'd settle for a good tonsil massage.
.: posted by Vaginal Davis 8:41 PM
Monday, November 15, 2004
NANCY GOES TO FRIO
This just in from The Lady Bunny of Wigstock fame:
What is up with these CNN newscasters? Besides the obvious (they don't
report the news and even apologized like the New York Times for not
questioning the war in Iraq more) they are really having an image crisis.
Increasingly good-looking with capped teeth, newscasters smile too much and
every guest, even if they are a CNN staff member is thanked heartily after
their interview. Isn't that a fairly new development? Are they trying to
hide the ugly truth with an everything-is-great attitude? Carlos Watson has
the most dazzling smile of all. His new show which kicked off right before
the election? It's called OFF-TOPIC, and he interviews Heidi Klum and Shaq.
What a great time to go "off-topic" and divert attention from the tragedy of
the election unfolding. For chrissakes, even Aaron Brown has gotten the new
blue-white chompers put in. They look ok on Tweety-Bird impersonator Paula
Zahn, but show-bizzy teeth caps in Aaron's friendly potato face look
bizarre. And I'm certainly no prude, but aren't false eyelashes (Kimberly
Guilfoyle Newsome) and lip gloss (Kelly Wallace) a bit much for NEWSCASTERS?
Come on, I'm a drag queen so I know good and well that trends in cosmetics
may come and go but lip gloss clearly signifies "place dick here" or "my
lips, like my pussy, is moist". (On the other hand, for some inexplicable
reason CNN broke with their own beauty trend when they sent poor moose-like
Candy Crowley on the campaign trail with no make-up artist! And if anyone
could use a little help, it's Candy.)
Their newest golden boy is Rick Sanchez. I've always marvelled at former
golden boy Bill Hemmer, whose inane chatter strikes me as preposterous. Eg:
After the lovely Soledad O'Brien covered a story about Egyptian artifacts,
Bill cheerily chimed in with "Good history, Soledad." Why makes it good or
bad--it's history, you dunce! But Bill's dizzy homecoming king personality
is infinitely preferable to Rick Sanchez's sugar-coated conservative bias
which is driven home with the most emphatic, showboatin' hand and arm
movements I've ever seen on anyone reporting outside of a sports segment.
Rick must resonate with their (increasingly conservative?) audience since
his career is on the rise, filling in for Paula and making more and more
frequent appearances. He often interrupts guests, and he's chock full of
those bullshit "in as much as" and "in point of fact" corny, archaic
interjections which lead you to believe that he is very much in love with
the sound of his own voice. He's so desperate attempt to act "newscaster-y",
I wonder if he can even listen to the guests he engages in debates with?
(His last name indicates Spanish roots. Is he so desperate to honkify
himself that he is overdoing it?) Plenty of slang, too, to make it all
conversational and accessible--to morons!
And impartiality, formerly a hallmark of newscasting? Forget it! Two young
guys, just back from Iraq, were being interviewed by Rick, and were
describing the rampant anti-American sentiment there. Sanchez buts in with
"Well, we don't really like hearing that when we are over there trying to
free 'em." We're not trying to "free 'em", hon, we're trying to occupy them
so we can steal their oil--that's my opinion, anyway. But should HIS opinion
really be broadcast AS NEWS? So you "don't like hearing that". You booked
these guests as authorities on Iraq, and now you don't like hearing the
truth? When discussing Palestine with a guest, the Clinton Barak peace plan
was brought up and Rick interrupted with "I must say it's a pretty good
plan." To whom? To Palestinians? To Israelis? Or to Americans like you who
don't want to hear the truth and don't live there?
Look, I know that news shows are still show-biz and need ratings, etc., but
these trends, on CNN alone--I don't watch much else--are disturbing. Are we
so shallow that we can't even stand to watch a newscaster who isn't
prettified? And we'll put up with rotten reporting as long as the reporters
look good? Give me unglamorous, impartial Walter Cronkite anyday!
.: posted by Vaginal Davis 6:42 PM
COLUMBIA PICTURES AND RASTOR PRESENTS
Hollywood/Broadway royalty came by Bricktops on Friday in the lovely visage of Ms. Wendy Stark Morrissey. Wendy is the west coast editor of Vanity Fair, and she and her sweet gay sidekick came by and we whooped it up drinking and screaming and carrying on. She is a hoot! Her father is the famous producer Ray Stark who produced Babs Streisand in Funny Girl and The Way We Were and countless other Hollywood films. Her grandma is none other then broadway legendina Fanny Brice. We're supposed to do a power lunch and i'll have to beg her to tell me stories of Ms. Brice and the heydey of the great white way. Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodovar also stopped by with a huge entourage but they mostly stayed in the back boydello smoking lounge. Met a sweet Otis Parsons design student named James Medina. What a booty pie.
Our theme Friday was a salute to Lupe Velez, the Mexican Spitfire. Delores De Muela, the Velvet Hammer's youngest ingenue performed a lovely little number with a pinata. Delores and her boyfriend make such a hot couple. A bunch of steamy, sexy latinos in the audience made for a hot night of salsa and south of the border flavour.
***
Had to leave town AGAIN, to get free editing time for my new experimental film, will be back Thursday in time for Fridays Bricktop with Kristian Hoffman performing. We might do a duet of some sort which I'm sure will be delightful.
My handsome young intern Gleeson sent me an email from a student at Deep Springs College, that wonderful school that hardly anyone knows about. Deep Springs prepares young men of stature and worth for a life of service in the greater Babylonian gorgon. There should be more colleges like Deep Springs. I'm looking forward to exchanging snail mail packets with those magnificent boys.
.: posted by Vaginal Davis 6:22 PM
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